blood_victor (blood_victor) wrote in bipolarity777,

depressive venting

Ah, it's been over eighteen months since my most recent hospitalization. I'm fat, unmotivated, bored, and broke. I'm a giant, formless turd floating through life's galaxies searching for something to ooze it's way upon. I'm always tired. I need to work out. I loathe the idea of working out. I should be "working out" just fine on my own without the added burden of tummy tucks, ass bends and all the rest. I'm no longer pretty. I shaved my head to help motivate me and I've only gotten fatter. No wiser. I'm falling into the sewer and I can only hope that my appetite is sufficient to make the most of my new environs. Shit eating shit. A cannibal turd. Yay! I wallow in this degradation and nothing ever changes. Everything changes. I'm changing for the worse because I am not programmed to do anything else. Self-programming, that's a start. Pushing ones own buttons. I dunno. I need to find these buttons. I need to stay awake during the day. I need to get off my ass and join the working world comprised of people who run marathons, pull people out of burning buildings, create a viable life for their little turdlings. I'm 37 in a month. I spend most of my free time sleeping. I can't sleep at night so I sleep during the day. I keep getting fatter which feeds my depression which makes me sleep more which makes me get fatter. Truth be told, I'm sick. I'm depressed and no medication seems capable of dealing with this situation. Every antidepressant I've been on has merely made me manic. The last one was Zoloft which fucked me up worse than anything when I was taken off cold turkey. Now I'm not on one and I cannot get a handle on my sleeping. The past few nights I have been able to sleep because I have taken 200 mg of Seroquil. I'm only prescribed 100 mg. but I find that it just isn't enough. So, I've been taking two pills instead of one. I'm awake this morning but I expect at any moment to feel the overwhelming urge to go back to bed. This has been the pattern that I've established over the past two months or so. But I have figured out a way to sleep at least even though it means being reliant on yet another drug. I'm thinking of Valerian root. That works for some people and I'm quite wary of getting hooked on Seroquil. I feel already that I am and this troubles me to no end. I'm puling here like a chicken but I need to get this out in some fashion. I need to be able to convey basic perceptions about my disorder. I invite others to absolutely do the same. It baffles me that I can't seem to motivate my Self to do anything at all that might help facilitate some lasting relief from this excruciating depression...
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